Saturday, 04 October 2008

• Oh, how the years have gone.

  I was careful—wearing long sleeves to cover my arms, changing for gym in a corner so the other girls wouldn't see the marks on my stomach. I was a cutter. I was depressed. I was full of emotions I couldn't handle alone. I was rarely in trouble and didn't have close friends, no one noticed how bad I was hurting. I had one of those knives used to open boxes. I held it up to my wrist and....the blood began to flow What's wrong with me? I gasped, choking back sobs in the sauna-thick air and drew the knife across my arm.Cutting seemed at first to give me a release for my feelings. It made me feel like I was in control. But like any addiction, the cutting began to control me. For the first few minutes, Id feel better. Then the shame I felt afterward for hurting myself caused even worse pain than the hurt Id tried to escape. Years passed, and I couldn't stop.One night, everything changed. I cut to deep. the blood would not stop. I passed out. I was ashamed. How did i end up this way? Scars all over me,  suicides attempts....A godly Christian became a mentor and caring friend to me, a best friend.WE have grown apart but i still love him to death for it.  When i did not think i had the stength, he carried me. He helped me understand I was broken. I knew that on my own, I was helpless to stop hating myself. But I wasn't unfixable. Like everyone else in this broken world, I needed God to be my Father, protector, Lord and Savior. Accepting Jesus gave me the connection and the firmness in faith that made the difference in my healing.That doesn't mean it's been easy. Not long ago, a friend hurt me deeply, and I felt the old urge. But with God's help, I didn't give in. I still deal with this. It is so hard. When I think about how I cope with pain and loneliness, I think of another friend. My bestest friend. The one person who is yet to hurt me. He helps keep me going. I love this kid. Or i think of  my other bestie. The girl who let's me live with her when i need to. Lets me cry, and wakes up an hour early to "try" and make pancakes =) . ( i would have used then as hocky pucks) I've been through a lot of difficult stuff in the last five years, but the love of my heavenly Father and the people he's placed in my life have seen me through. Now, I can reach out to cutters because I know how they feel. I want them to know that God's love is more powerful than any knife or razor blade. His love heals all inner scars.
  
  I started when i was 10 years old. Now I am almost 16. For the last year i have tried to contorl it, and i did amazing for 9 months. Then i lost it. Im on the path again. This time, i do not plan to stray from it. Am I scared? Yea. Deathly. I became a Christan almsot a year ago, and it was the only think i had to hold on to at times. But what if i had taken that gun? I do not even want to think about it. I have been at this for 2 months cut free. I  proud of me. I can do this. I know i can. The trick is, even when everything pulls you under, just hold on to God. He is higher  then what ever you are under. I need the friends i have in my life. I need GOD. I am broken still, but at least I know who i am. God is building me back up better then i ever could. I will beat this. I will eat. I will not cut. I will not fail.

  She is strong, watch her fly.

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